Making Friends as an Adult: Why It’s Hard and What Can Make It Easier

Making friends as an adult can feel surprisingly difficult. Many people reach their 30s, 40s, or beyond and quietly wonder why something that once felt natural now feels awkward, effortful, or even impossible.

At Horizon Counselling Services, we regularly hear adults say:

• “Everyone else seems to have their circle already.”

• “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

• “I feel lonely, but reaching out feels uncomfortable.”

• “I don’t want to come across as needy or odd.”

If this resonates, you’re not alone — and there is nothing wrong with you. Adult friendship is genuinely harder, for understandable psychological and social reasons. This article explores why making friends as an adult is challenging, what often gets in the way, and what can realistically make it easier.

Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels So Hard

1. Life No Longer Does the Work for You

In childhood and early adulthood, friendships are often built in for us. School, college, university, early jobs — all provide repeated, low-pressure contact with the same people.

As adults, life changes:

• Work becomes busier or more isolated

• People move for jobs or relationships

• Family responsibilities increase

• Free time shrinks

• Energy is more limited

Friendship now requires intentional effort, rather than convenience.

2. Fear of Rejection Becomes Louder

As adults, we are often more self-aware — and more self-critical.

Many people fear:

• Being judged

• Being a burden

• Not being interesting enough

• Being rejected or ignored

From a psychological perspective, this fear makes sense. Past experiences of rejection, exclusion, or relationship breakdown can heighten sensitivity and make social risk feel emotionally costly.

Avoidance then becomes a form of self-protection — even when loneliness grows.

3. We Compare Our Inner World to Others’ Outer Lives

Social media and everyday observation can create the illusion that:

• Everyone else has close friendships

• Everyone else is constantly social

• Everyone else “has it figured out”

In reality, many adults feel lonely — but few talk openly about it. Research from organisations such as the Campaign to End Loneliness and the Mental Health Foundation consistently shows that adult loneliness is widespread, particularly after major life transitions.

4. Emotional Energy Is Finite

Friendship requires emotional availability:

• Listening

• Sharing

• Being present

• Showing up consistently

When people are managing stress, anxiety, low mood, burnout, or life pressures, there may simply be less emotional capacity left for social connection — even when it’s wanted.

This can lead to a painful cycle:

Feeling lonely → lacking energy to connect → feeling more lonely

The Emotional Impact of Adult Loneliness

Loneliness is not just a social issue — it is a mental health issue.

Long-term loneliness has been linked to:

• Low mood and depression

• Increased anxiety

• Reduced self-esteem

• Poorer sleep

• Heightened stress responses

Importantly, loneliness is not a personal failing. It is a signal — a sign that a basic human need for connection is not being met.

Why “Just Put Yourself Out There” Often Misses the Point

Well-meaning advice often sounds like:

• “You just need to make more effort.”

• “Join a club.”

• “Be more confident.”

While not wrong, this advice can overlook the emotional reality many adults are facing. If connection feels unsafe, exhausting, or overwhelming, simply “trying harder” can backfire.

What helps more is understanding how connection actually forms in adulthood.

What Makes Adult Friendship Easier (and More Sustainable)

1. Lower the Pressure on Yourself

Adult friendship rarely forms instantly. It develops through:

• Repeated contact

• Shared experiences

• Gradual trust

Expecting immediate closeness can create unnecessary pressure. Instead, aim for familiarity first, connection later.

A friendly chat, a shared activity, or a regular routine is enough to begin.

2. Focus on Activities, Not Intensity

Many adults connect more easily when conversation happens alongside something else.

Examples include:

• Walking groups

• Exercise classes

• Creative workshops

• Volunteering

• Community groups

• Interest-based meet-ups

Activities provide:

• A shared focus

• Natural conversation starters

• Reduced pressure to “perform”

This approach suits many people — particularly those who find small talk difficult.

3. Accept That Friendship Looks Different Now

Adult friendships are often:

• Less frequent

• Less spontaneous

• More flexible

• More realistic

You don’t need daily contact or constant availability. A meaningful friendship might involve meeting monthly, messaging occasionally, or simply knowing someone is there.

Quality matters more than quantity.

4. Work With Your Nervous System, Not Against It

If social situations trigger anxiety, this is not a character flaw — it is your nervous system responding to perceived risk.

Helpful strategies include:

• Arriving early to avoid walking into a crowd

• Limiting time initially

• Planning a clear exit

• Practising grounding techniques

• Choosing familiar or calm environments

Confidence grows through safe, manageable exposure, not forcing yourself into overwhelming situations.

5. Be Honest — Without Oversharing

Authenticity builds connection, but it doesn’t require sharing everything at once.

Simple honesty can sound like:

• “I’m a bit rusty socially.”

• “I don’t get out much these days.”

• “I’m trying to meet new people.”

This often puts others at ease — because many feel the same way.

When Past Experiences Get in the Way

For some adults, difficulty making friends is rooted in earlier experiences:

• Bullying

• Social exclusion

• Trauma

• Relationship breakdowns

• Long-term criticism

In these cases, the barrier is not lack of opportunity, but emotional safety. Counselling can help explore and gently unpack these experiences, allowing connection to feel safer again.

How Counselling Can Support Adult Connection

At Horizon Counselling Services, we work with adults who feel:

• Lonely or disconnected

• Socially anxious

• Unsure how to build or maintain friendships

• Stuck in avoidance or self-doubt

• Disconnected after life changes

Counselling can help you:

• Understand your relationship patterns

• Reduce social anxiety and self-criticism

• Build confidence and emotional resilience

• Explore what you need from connection

• Learn practical communication skills

• Reconnect with yourself and others

Many clients discover that once they understand why connection feels hard, it becomes much easier to approach it differently.

You Are Not Failing at Friendship

Struggling to make friends as an adult does not mean you are broken, awkward, or unlikable.

It means:

• Life is complex

• Emotional energy is limited

• Connection requires intention

• And support can help

You deserve meaningful connection — at a pace that works for you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to struggle making friends as an adult?

Yes. Many adults experience this, especially after life changes such as relocation, relationship breakdowns, or increased responsibilities.

What if I feel lonely but don’t enjoy socialising?

Loneliness is about emotional connection, not constant social activity. The goal is meaningful connection, not being busy.

Can counselling really help with friendships?

Yes. Counselling can help address anxiety, past experiences, and self-beliefs that affect how you approach relationships.

About the Author

Alan StokesFounder & Director, Horizon Counselling Services

Alan is a qualified and experienced counsellor and mental health trainer with specialist interests in adult mental health, loneliness, men’s wellbeing, anxiety, self-esteem, and life transitions. He works with individuals seeking greater emotional wellbeing, confidence, and connection, using practical, compassionate, evidence-informed approaches.